Saturday, October 13, 2007

VOY's "The Swarm," and the Inconsistencies of Capt. Janeway

Warning: The following rant contains excessively funny profanity.


by Alisium

To follow regulations or not to follow…

That is the question Capt. Janeway seems incapable of answering.

In this episode B'Elanna and Paris accidentally happen across a really nasty species who very aggressively defends its territory. They are promptly zapped unconscious by a neurological weapon.

Once aboard, the command staff reviews what happened, and Neelix is pretty sure he recognizes the species.

Paraphrasing: Neelix says,

"Whoa, these are bad dudes, I mean really badd ass muther fuckers! I personally
have never come across them, thank GOD! And, no one who ever has lives to tell
the tale! No one knows anything about them at all, except it REALLY pisses them
off when someone steps on their turf. And the reason that no one knows anything
about them is because the only thing that returns from an encounter is a ship
full of sorry dead bastards. Even the Borg let some people escape. These badd
ass muther fuckers don't."

To that the Voyager crew says, "Huh." *chew gum loudly twirl fingers in hair*

Then they examine something that indicates the size of the badd ass muther fuckers’ territory is such that it would take the Voyager and crew 15 months out of their way to go around their empire. Apparently, their territory is 30 months wide and 30 months tall but less than a month or so thick.

So what does, Capt. "ooh we have to let these people blow themselves up because of the PD" Janeway say?

"Fuck 'em."

To that Tuvoc says, "Captian, you just suprised me! Would it change your mind if I reminded you that Starfleet Regulations forbid us to tresspass?"

Janeway says, "Fuck no!"

Seriously what the fuck! First she's all, "No we must save the Ocampa, fuck you guys and your families and the fucking Prime Directive….” Then, "Fuck them! The PD says we can’t get involved, so let them blow themselves up! Then, "Fuck no we aren’t trading our stories for some covert technology that is going to get us half way home in about 0.68 seconds!" And then, "Fuck starfleet regulations."

Jesus Fucking Christ I hate this bitch!

To make the episode even worse... Nancy boy Mr. Oedipus complex himself Ens. "Im saving my penis for Janeway" Kim, with the worst cheesy grin, ever, on his face, begins to assure mommy Janeway about how he can easily get around some border sensors for a species he knows nothing about, who have deployed sensors he knows nothing about, and all while not knowing or having the first fucking clue about what other defensive measures these badd ass muther fuckers have in place.

Then Cmdr. "Harry Kim is my condom while I'm in Janeway" Chakotay, decides arbitrarily that "there is no way they have enough ships to guard that much territory." Remember, these are the bad ass mother fuckers that no one knows fucking dick about because, like U.S. Marines, they kill everything they see. But, of course Chakotay already knows their tactical disposition.

Then there is the realization that this empire or whatever is either razor thin, or Jane-so-stupid is willing to dump her crew into a situation she knows nothing about, in an extremely dangerous environment, with aliens who are going to actively seek them out to destroy them, for anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months. Sound familiar?

Janeway is at least consistent in this regard: She has no problem shitting on her crew’s safety and well being for arbitrary reasons.

Shortly after the meeting I had to turn off the TV. Enough is enough.

There was one great moment though. In the shuttle Paris basically tells B'Elanna that he is surprised she doesn't fuck more, what with her Klingon whore-moans and all. Then this proposition (paraphrasing), "When you get tired of Ens. Crotch Rot and want a real man, come chat me up, I'll lay you out like a pop queen wanna-be under the stars in my holodeck sailing ship program."